1. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY – PRESENT
Camera opens with blank screen and moves up to reveal the back of a couch, and then a room and television in background. BRAD comes into scene from right side, seen from the waist up. He centers himself in front of the TV, pauses for a beat, then sits directly down on the couch, his head just above the couch line.
INSERT: Frame is masked top & bottom, close up on Brad’s eyes as he looks down at…
INSERT: Remote control in his right hand; most buttons are readable, including one by man’s thumb that says “Title.” Brad pushes “Title” button with thumb, hear CLICK. Cut back to close up on his eyes, looking back up at the television.
BACK TO SCENE
TV screen comes on and reads: “Clicker Clatter.” Man CLICKS again, and the station changes to:
2. DATELINE PAPERCUTS
Standing anchor ROCK FLATHEAD plugs an upcoming segment in front of a title on a TV set background.
(ominous; Stone Phillips gravitas)
It’s the silent threat in every home.
(beat) Our children use it every day.
It looks harmless; but how much do
you really know about…
INSERT: ONSCREEN LOGO: “The Hidden Danger of Papercuts”; graphic below: two simple sheets of paper in the background begin to drip blood, maybe with a child’s hand or finger spewing blood.
…paper? It’s even found in schools! Is
your child safe? A story every parent must see.
3. CAMEL TOADS
Long shot on generic morning show set, with a crowd outside the studio windows, waving like idiots, holding up signs, flashing, etc. (Background crowd includes Sgt. Pepper characters, Waldo, Soy Bomb, Zevon, bin Laden, Dan Rather, etc.) Camera pans to medium shot of DIANE, a typical morning show co-host.
It’s a shocking new trend: teen boys
in search of “camel toads.”
INSERT: PHOTO OF (REAL) NEWSPAPER STORY ON “CAMEL TOADS”; inset image of Ralph Steadman-style, crazed-looking teen getting high licking an irritated frog.
The toads apparently contain some
sort of drug, and young men are
scouring beaches for these “camel
4. TIFFANY BELLE 1
Full screen photo of attractive young blonde on cell phone.
ANDREW BONANNO (O.S.)
…search continues for teenager
Tiffany Belle. Belle has been missing for
nearly a day, and thousands of searchers
are scouring her Beverly Hills neighborhood.
Photo of Tiffany reduced slightly, seen to be on large Wholesome, Low-fat White milk carton. A dozen images of other missing persons run quickly along the bottom of the screen, on pints of chocolate milk. All the faces are Black or Hispanic.
ANDREW BONANNO (O.S)
If you see Tiffany (or any of these
other missing persons) contact police.
5. NATURE CHANNEL / OZZY 1
African wildlife footage of two rhinos beginning to mate.
(excited whisper, Australian accent)
Crikey! It seems the male rhino has
picked up her scent…
6. OXYFELCHER COMMERCIAL
Cartoon man’s smiling face is next to a logo for a new drug, Dolorax (Oxyfelcher Hypochondrate). Cut to a wide shot of cartoon man’s outline body, with the drug logo at the top right of screen. Below, a serene butterfly alights a sun-kissed flower in a faded-in inset scene. Man’s expression goes from smiling to unease as side effects are read, he begins nervously edging off screen.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(pleasant, reassuring delivery)
…side effects are often mild and may
include bloating, tremors, migraines,
chronic ennui, greasy rectal leakage,
toe rot, mild coma, and flatulence
during orgasm. If you are pregnant,
or may become…
7. CNN CLUTTER
Typical cluttered 24-hour news screen: logos, screen crawls,
weather reports, sports updates, Asteroids or Tetris screen, cookie recipes, etc. Amid this garbage is a talking head EXPERT with the ID caption, “Media Whore Ass Clown.” Expert’s face is mostly obscured as he makes BLAH BLAH BLAH noises. Screen crawls include: “Flava Flav breaks silence: “Yeah Boyeeeee!”; “Rev. Falwell calls for own assassination”; “Atty General: controversial short film “Clicker Clatter” is “salacious, offensive”; “George W. Bush legally changes name to ‘Captain Freedom’”; “Sudoko misprint injures dozens.”
8. ERNIE 1
Fat, earnest, Hemingway-esque guy in front of a mud hut is sitting on a log holding Ndugu, a big-eyed third-world kid close, rubbing his shoulder absently while the kid looks like a puzzled prop, inert and faintly uncomfortable. Ndugu is wearing an obviously too-large, outdated, and third-hand “Where’s the Beef?” T-shirt.
(sympathetic, faint huckster)
Ndugu here eats twigs, and crumbs from
my beard. He lives in a dirt floor home
with a roof made of dead bugs. (beat)
How do you sleep at night? On satin sheets
in your adjustable solid gold bed?
Little Ndugu sleeps standing up–—
on sharp rocks. If only…
9. SCRAMBLED PORN
Brad flips ahead a few channels (insert split-second gag glimpses of next two scenes after each PSHT). He stops when he hears OVERACTED PORN SEX MOANS and MOUTH-MADE CHICKA-WOW MUSIC.
INSERT: Back to scene 1 image of his eyes, one eyebrow cocked. He makes an interested “HM?!” sound and flips back. Cut to a scrambled channel pattern, snow, wavy lines, but with faint figures amid the scramble. Cut back to his eyes, looking irritated. He tries hard to squint to make out figures in the scrambled signal. He emits a disappointed grunt.
10. HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Medium shot on anchor Katie Couric, who has exaggerated, worried look. She is on location with sad, haggard WOMAN in a parking lot, a burning building in the background. She is clearly distraught, being rained on, and a dog is pissing on her leg. Katie is holding an umbrella.
(voyeuristic, exploitative sincerity)
Your home is gone, your husband lost a lung,
is brain damaged, and could die at any minute.
Camera gets closer on women as Katie reaches out into the rain with the microphone to the woman.
How do you feel?
Medium shot of news anchor DON. Inset graphic says “Recall” above images of “Support Our Troops” and “God Bless America” bumper stickers and ribbons.
… the consumer group demanded
the recall of millions of magnets and
bumper stickers sold since 2002.
INSERT: Close up on ribbon magnet and bumper stickers; beneath each is a short bulleted list. List below ribbon reads: “Inadequate armor; Backdoor draft; No exit strategy.” List below bumper sticker reads: “Hurricanes; Poor economy; Terrorism.”
They claim U.S. troops have not been
supported, nor it is clear that
God has in fact blessed America.
A company spokesman called the group
“unAmerican, terrorist-comforting faggots.”
12. DRIVING LIKE ASSHOLES
Anchor Bonanno at news desk reading copy.
…new Highway Safety Bureau study found
that 92 percent of car accidents…
INSERT: Image of official-looking government document showing typeset summary. Most of the page is blurry, highlighting the following passage: “…single greatest highway threat was people driving like assholes. Assholish behavior included…” Small “Asshole on Board” graphic appears.
ANDREW BONANNO (O.C.)
…are caused not by cell phones or alcohol,
but instead, by quote, “driving like an asshole.”
13. NATURE CHANNEL / OZZY 2
One rhino is now mounting the other, a lion and giraffe nearby.
14. THANK GOD
Scene of candlelight vigil. It seems very somber at first, but one candle lights a woman’s jacket on fire.
… The families of the surviving miners
thanked God for their rescue, while the
widows of the dead took comfort that their
husbands are with God.
Cut to respected veteran anchor WALTER at news desk as others slap at the flames on her head.
Reached for comment, God said, “I collapsed
the mine, you morons!” The deity also
acknowledged responsibility for centuries
of famine, as well as last season’s NBC sitcoms.
15. ERNIE 2
Ernie is standing, a squalid village in the background, pushing Ndugu’s face toward the camera.
Can you say no to a face like this?
Ernie squeezes Ndugu’s head into a more pitiful shape, pulling it into a lost puppy dog expression.
How about this face?
INSERT: Cut to a picture of a young, big-eyed Hispanic girl picking her nose. When the realizes she’s on camera, she quickly pulls her finger out.
For less than the cost of a Starbucks double
soy latte, Pobrecita here can get XM radio for a year. Please, help her, before she is adopted by Angelina Jolie…
16. FOX / TIFFANY 2
Similar to CNN setup, but less screen clutter. Big “Fux” logo on the left hand side. Clean-cut, Republican-looking anchor is wearing an American flag shirt and George W. Bush tie tack. Image of Tiffany Belle inset. Thompson Twins’ “Lies Lies Lies” CLIP.
Belle was found under a mountain of
what were described as “really cute pumps”
at a local mall; her cell phone had died.
17. SPEAKING OF KILLING
Long shot of co-hosts Katie Couric and Walter at a desk.
…questions about Dr. Phil’s new book,
(alarmed, listening to earpiece)
We have breaking news: genocide in Africa.
So far thousands have been killed, and–
(interrupting, with exaggerated concern)
Tragic, tragic news.
(cheerfully, to second camera)
Speaking of killing, we’ve got killer
fun fall fashions! Is eggshell the new ivory?
Find out, coming up next!
18. THREAT ROULETTE
…with an update on what you should be
scared of this week.
INSERT: Nine-square screen looks like a game show tic-tac-toe board. Each square contains phrases: “Terrorism”; “Anthrax”; “West Nile Virus”; “Sex Offenders”; “Sharks”; “Flu”; “School Shootings”; “Potholes”; “Killer Bees.” One more set of screens appear for a few seconds each, with different phrases. Each square lights up in turn, with an electronic “BEEP – BOP – BOOP” sound. Logo at top reads: “Threat Roulette.”
No whammies! No whammies!
Light ends up on “Potholes”; BELLS ring. Graphic appears: “Pothole Fast Facts.” Under that are two bulleted items: Invented in 1926 by tire mogul Frank Pott; Second leading cause of road accidents (#1: Assholish driving).
19. YOU DON’T KNOW
Local TV anchor Andrew Bonanno (caricature of “Yes Men” guy) reports a story, with a graphic box that says “Shooting” above and to the left of his shoulder. Bonanno has name caption.
In other local news, a man you don’t know
was shot by someone else you don’t know,
in a part of the city you don’t go.
20. NATURE CHANNEL / OZZY 3
Rhino is surrounded by a half dozen animals. One elephant mounts
it and begins slapping its ass with his trunk in a “Who’s Yo Daddy?” way.
Crikey! Look at that slut take it!
That’s amazing! What a treat!
21. TIFFANY 3 & NIPPLEGATE
News anchor Walter in studio; image of TIFFANY BELLE inset.
….Tiffany’s Law will require all
teens’ cell phones be charged daily.
Infamous “Nipplegate” photo replaces TIFFANY BELLE image.
Today Janet Jackson’s nipple
was found guilty in a Texas court of
corrupting America’s morals.
INSERT newsreel-type footage of the nipple looming over the city (a la War of the Worlds or Godzilla) as terrified people scramble for cover. After a few seconds, the nipple comes toward the screen, getting larger, until prison bars SLAM together over it, as in the final scene of “The Prisoner.”
While the defense claimed that nipples
are natural and harmless, the prosecution
proved that nipples help fund terrorism
and increase global warming.
22. CLICKER CLATTER OUTRO
We see the opening animation style, with the head behind the sofa as in the first part of Scene 1.
Welcome back to Clicker Clatter, where
TV reality meets film fiction. Join us as a
man searches for quality television.
Will he find it? And will audiences
watch him look?
After a beat, man looks startled, sits up, and the TV image in front of him does the same. Man then turns around to look at the camera, looking annoyed, points the clicker to the camera, and–
Sound: PSHT IRIS OUT
ADDITIONAL CHARACTER CLIPS
(almost wailing, pleading, disgusted)
“Have you no soul?”
“The telephone doesn’t have cooties. Pick it up.”
“Won’t you donate your unused minutes to help these poor children?”
Walter, Andrew, and Don:
(to co-anchor, an on-air admission)
“I don’t even know what that means…”
“Did you fart?”
(excited ad pitchman aimed at frat boys)
“Grannies Gone Wild! Order now and you also get…”
Celebrity Survivor cooking:
“…add the diced dog penis to the brains and garlic butter”
“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”